The Weyrwoman's Diary
by astrokath
Summary: The diary of the bestest, most spectacular Weyrwoman on Pern!  Or so she thinks... Oneshot parody of the ubiquitous impressionfics.


_This is what happens when I read one sue-fic too many... And so, I give you:_

**The Weyrwoman's Diary:  
****_A tale told in twenty-one entries and one historical footnote._**

* * *

Dear Diary, 

Today was a bad day. I was examining the gather goods with my friends, and getting LOADS of compliments on my gorgeous shimmery blonde tresses, when along came this total wherry of a Lord Holder's daughter! She was so mean to me, and got my own friends to make fun of me! They just sucked up to her because she had more marks than I did, and offered to pair them up with her brothers in the dances tonight. As if any man would want to dance with a girl that wasn't me!

But I must dash - I hear the Harpers have started playing already!

* * *

Dear Diary, 

Yesterday wasn't a bad day. It was terrible! I've been crying all night, and I don't know what to do! The dancing started so well, and her brothers all danced with me, and bought me drinks too. And I don't quite remember the rest of the evening, but it was terrible, I know! Everyone's talking about me, and not in the good way like they usually do. Woe is me, I have such a terrible, angsty life!

* * *

Dear Diary, 

Oh shards! Oh Faranath! Oh barbequed wherry!

I've been SEARCHED!!!! SQUEEEEEE!!!!1111!!!!

No time to write; must pack!

* * *

Dear Diary, 

I love the Weyr! It's soooo much fun! The bronzerider who Searched me, H'unk, is just so gorgeous I could die! He swears I'm going to Impress the new queen, and everyone else I've met agrees! They're all SO kind. Everyone's really impressed with my hair as well, and my poise, and I've been promised two fire-lizard eggs next time a clutch is found.

I've made so many friends here already, and they all say they'll still be my friend after I've impressed the queen. They don't seem to mind that they're wasting their time at all, and how nice is that? They must really, really like me.

* * *

Dear Diary, 

They say the eggs are going to hatch today. The weyrlingmaster showed us the eggs, but the sands were so unbearably hot to my feet that H'unk offered to carry me. He's so tall and strong! blush And such a good dragonrider as well. I really don't know why he's not the Weyrleader!

What's that noise? Oh Faranth, it's humming, it's the eggs! Must run!

* * *

Dear Diary, 

Diary, meet Amazingneth. Amazingneth, meet... aww, she's asleep already. The Weyrleaders say she'll be even bigger than the senior queen once she's fully grown, and have promised me five new dresses as soon as they can be made. Her hide is a perfect shade of gold, with streaks of dark gold on the wings, and dappling of light gold on her belly. She really almost sparkles in the light of the glows, and will look so pretty in daylight. I know we're going to be so happy here!

* * *

Dear Diary, 

Well, I haven't had much time to write in the past turn, have I? Who'd have thought dragonriding would be so much hard work? My hands are nice and soft from all the oil, but it's so unfair that I have to bath Amy in the freezing lake. What if we catch something from the cold? And I can't believe all those wehrry-bitches didn't stay friends with me! Am I not a weyrwoman, beautiful, smart and perfect. Bah. What do they know.

I don't like the way they poke fun at my waistline, either. I'd like to see THEM stay skinny after popping out a brat. Ugh. All it does is sleep and puke and cry. I'm so glad they didn't make me keep it, but to think they had the gall to say I couldn't cope, and needed to concentrate on Amy!

Deadglows.

* * *

Dear Diary, 

The senior queen died last week, and they say the next queen to rise will become the new one. I know Amy's only a turn and a half, but if we miss this chance, how will I ever become Weyrwoman? Everyone _knows_ it ought to be me! They shouldn't even give Illine and Gevreth a chance! She's sooo plain, and thinks she knows everything. Huh. Who'd ever listen to what she has to say?

* * *

Dear Diary, 

H'unk is a dead man. How dare he let his dragon fly Gevreth? WE'RE meant to be together, not him and that ugly sow. She looks more like a herdbeast than a proper Weyrwoman.

I think I'm going to cry.

* * *

Dear Diary, 

I never realised how nice bubbly pies were, and how much better they make you feel!  
D'sen has brought me a whole plate today. And some Benden white, too. Mmm...

D'sen's great. He hates H'unk as well.

* * *

Dear Diary, 

Amy says I should cut down on the Benden white. She thinks she'll be rising soon as well.

D'sen agrees - about the rising, not the wine and pies. He says that I'm even more beautiful than when I was searched, now that I have "womanly curves".

He makes me feel SO nice! Strange that no-one else has compliments for me anymore though. I think Illine and H'unk must be poisoning them against me.

* * *

Dear Diary! 

Amazingneth rose yesterday, and I'm still buzzing! And I'm senior queen, too!

[Will explain tomorrow. Just run out of Benden white. Can't celebrate properly without it, you know!

* * *

Dear Diary, 

Where do I start? Well, it all began with that horrible, horrible accident! D'sen and Fiireth came out of _between_, flaming, right in front of Gevreth. There was nothing anyone could do, of course, and the poor dears died before sunset. It did look ever so painful, but Illine bore it all so bravely. Not as bravely as I'd have done, if it had been me. Not that it would have been me, because I don't fight Thread - I couldn't possibly risk Amy and me to getting scars or scores - or worse! - could I?!

But anyway, dearest Amy rose that very evening, right after the dragons had stopped keening. She knew it was the right time, that the Weyr _needed_ us!

And I can tell you, there'll be some changes round here now, even if H'unk is still Weyrleader.

He seems quite miserable for some reason. I really can't imagine why!

I think he needs more wine.

* * *

Dear Diary, 

I can't believe H'unk! He says he won't sleep with me again until I stop looking more pregnant than Amy, and he's forbidden the cooks to send me my pies. He must be blind as well as stupid.

I hope Amy has a big clutch. It was her first, and they're always big, right? Especially when the Weyr needs more dragons, desperately. Anyway, I won't panic and let her eat anything next time, so even if it's only three dozen or so, we ought to have well over fifty eggs next time.

I hope it's soon. I really need some way of swinging H'unk round to my way of looking at things...

* * *

Dear Diary, 

Let me extoll the virtues of Benden White! H'unk was even more miserable yesterday, but I got a few skins down him and he was much more fun! Didn't do so well in 'fall though, but there'll soon be plenty of Weyrlings to replace the losses. We'll see to that!

* * *

Dear Diary, 

I swear, the ghosts of Illine and Gevreth must have done something terrible! Or maybe it was D'sen, in a fit of jealousy that his dragon didn't fly Amy? I just can't believe it - she only clutched nine eggs! Nine! It's just... impossible!

And then the fire-lizard eggs got delivered, and they didn't tell me, and they all hatched and Impressed and I didn't get a chance at even one of them! I'm Weyrwoman! They should do as I say, not go behind my back.

At least the cook still has nice things to say everyday. And it's berry-season soon, and then the tithe-train from Benden will arrive - can't believe we've nearly run out of that too, especially with so many fewer riders in the Weyr. H'unk must have raided the stores - there were definitely fewer skins last time I checked. We need more white, for the hatching feast at least. Well, for the top table, anyway.

* * *

Dear Diary, 

Ugh. The candidates they brought in were all so dull and ugly, I just _had_ to send half of them back. We need fun, interesting people in the Weyr, not ugly muscle-bags or wherry-faced know-it-alls. I know who's best for my Amy's clutch, not those useless blue Searchdragons! I've heard the way their riders talk about me, saying things like I should never have come here. Threadbait fools. Amy was meant to Impress me! Not my fault all the other girls had food-poisoning, was it?

* * *

Dear Diary, 

Stupid baby dragons are just as stupid old ones. Half of them didn't Impress, and just sat there and _died_! I think there must be something wrong with H'unk's dragon, because Amy's perfect and the biggest gold on Pern!

He got more wine from Benden though. At least he's good for something. The Holders have started to complain about his Threadfighting, saying that too many Threads are getting through. Well, maybe they should try fighting Thread themselves, or not having such big fields or something, instead of whining all the time!

* * *

Dear Diary, 

The Weyr has suddenly become a much nicer place to be. We're not so short on food and drink anymore - mainly because we're down to 150 dragons rather than 400, but they're the best and fastest, and the numbers will soon go up once Amy rises again. And best of all, three of the bitchiest greenriders were lost in the last 'fall! Oh we won't miss them, with their snide looks and negative attitude! It's no wonder morale has been so low with people like that around!

* * *

Dear Diary, 

H'unk has gone mad. Quite _mad_!

He's insisting that Amy and I fly to fight Thread, and that they need us.

Well, maybe we'd make everyone else fight better, if they knew we were watching. They do all like to impress me, bless them!

There's just one problem. I _hate_ flamethrowers. I thought of trying to get Amy to try firestone - she's so perfect, it's not like it'd bother her - but she was having none of it, the silly girl! So I've spent the entire day getting achy and greasy working out how the fardling thing works. But I think I've got the hang of it now.

Think I'll go and relax in the bath.

* * *

Dear Diary, 

Oh, you wouldn't believe how many skins of white it took to make all the aches and pains go away. I had to have another this morning, just to shift the hangover. Feather of the wherry, and all that.

Still, I'm all set to fight Thread! Our flamethrower is beautifully shiny, and I can just about squeeze in between Amy's ridges - can't believe how long it's been since we last flew though.

Oh, everyone's going to be SO proud of us, when we get back...

* * *

_

* * *

"Have you finished reading it? Yes? All the way?_

_ Good. _

_ She was one of this Weyr's Weyrwomen, Searched in the last pass. Probably the worst we ever had. Quite an education, that diary, isn't it?_

_ Why did you have to read it?_

_ You see, we had doubts about you when you were brought in. Too many of the bronzers just bring back any girl with a pretty face, and even a hatchling Queen is pretty clueless when it comes to picking a decent rider. No offence, but until you prove otherwise, we're going to assume you're no better than the average. This Weyr has learned from its mistakes, and we're not going to make the same ones twice._

_ So you can concentrate in your Weyrling lessons, and make the Weyr proud of you._

_ If not... well, Weyrlings are always lost _between_ every now and then. Wouldn't want that to happen to _you_, would we?"_


End file.
